


Can’t explain (But I can’t live without you)

by psyfrog



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Bending (Avatar TV), Codependency, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Just a wee bit, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Negative Self Talk, Not Actually Unrequited Love, One Shot, Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko has self-esteem issues but he’s working on it, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, and they were ROOMMATES, unless ;)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:28:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29370066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psyfrog/pseuds/psyfrog
Summary: After finals, the gang gets together for the last time before summer break. Zuko has become very codependent with a certain blue-eyed roommate of his, but also doesn’t want to be the one to keep him from visiting his family over the summer.OR; Zuko’s oblivious and Sokka won’t get to the point.
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 65





	Can’t explain (But I can’t live without you)

His smile. Oh my _ god,  _ his _ smile _ . 

It’s all I can see, all I can focus on even sitting at a table full of our closest friends. We’re here, in this Chili’s, celebrating the end of finals week, having a great time.  _ I’m _ having a great time, but I can’t stop staring at him.

I’ve accepted my little (okay, huge) crush on Sokka. I’ve also accepted that we’re friends. Really good, best friends. I’ve accepted that.

But tonight… I just can’t take my eyes off of him. 

With his perfect smile, his  _ eyes _ , I’ve never felt more safe than when he’s looking at me. His hands that seem to never stop moving when he speaks, and never seem to stay long enough when I’m lucky enough to be in contact with them. 

I’m supposed to be relaxing and unwinding after the end of a particularly rough semester, but seeing Sokka in the soft glow of the lightbulb hanging above our table is doing the opposite. He’s mesmerizing even when in the middle of a too-long rant about why the ranch here is god-tier, or whatever the hell he’s talking about. I need to calm down or else he might take notice of my internal meltdown the way he somehow always does. Like he has all the years I’ve known him, even when I was almost completely emotionally shut off from the world. I needed him then when I didn’t feel like I deserved to need anything. And I need him now.

This past year has been really tough. With taking some of the most stressful classes of my college career, my father’s court trials, and being promoted to assistant manager at Uncle’s tea shop, to say I’ve been overwhelmed is a huge understatement. 

Which is why having Sokka as a roommate this semester has been even more important to me than any other of our years in college. 

I’ve always handled stress poorly. Let it build up inside until I inevitably have a mental breakdown or get extremely ill. It was never an option to let others know of any of my weaknesses. I was taught from a very young age that anything less than perfection was unacceptable. This not only instilled great discipline in me, but also made me a pro at pretending everything’s okay, especially when I was so overwhelmed inside it felt like I would never be okay again. My life was consumed by never displaying weakness of any kind, and never asking for help because that would prove to my father that I wasn’t good enough. That’s why it was always near impossible for me to open up to anyone. Before I met Sokka, at least. 

It wasn’t easy. It was actually a very long journey that took years of slow, excruciatingly uncomfortable moments before I could talk freely about my struggles without feeling like my chest was going to combust. It took me going to therapy to work through the buy-one-get-one-free trauma courtesy of my absent mother and abusive father. It took me having to learn that it’s okay not have your shit together all of the time. It’s okay to let others help when you need it. 

Without Sokka, I’m not sure I could have progressed as much as I have. He hates taking credit for even the smallest bit of improvement I make, always saying how much strength I have for doing this on my own and for taking my life into my own hands. I admit that most of the work has had to come from me, but I couldn't have done it without the knowledge that I have people in my life now that support me no matter what. I have someone that I look forward to coming home to. 

With the chaos that has been my life lately, I’m lucky to be home at a decent hour, let alone an hour in which Sokka hasn't gone to bed already. When I get home too late to see him though, I can alway expect for there to be something left behind to make me feel cared for. Whether it be the dinner he made for us in the fridge, a silly doodle on a post-it left on my door, or a note reminding me to take my medicine or brush my teeth. And when we do get to see each other at the end of the day, he proves to be the reason nights are my favorite. Whether we’re on the couch binging the latest Netflix series, cooking dinner together, or laying under the stars talking about everything and nothing, I love every minute. 

And now that this semester is finally finished, we get to spend more of those nights together. Well, unless Sokka makes other plans that is.

Tonight, the gang decided to meet up to celebrate the end of the school year, but also because it will be the last time we're all going to be in the same city until next fall. Aang heads off for his summer abroad next week. Toph will be going back home to be with her parents. Suki will be traveling throughout the state, scoping out college=he’s for grad school. And I know Katara’s itching to visit home in Alaska. The only reason she hasn’t booked the trip yet is because she’ll only get on that plane if Sokka’s there too. And Sokka… Sokka hasn't committed to anything yet. 

I know he misses home. Considering the amount of time he spends talking to me about his hometown, I’m surprised it's been so long since he’s been back. Not to mention, I know his dad would kill to have both his kids home for the summer. 

I want Sokka to do what he wants this summer. I want him to be happy. Of course if he decides to go back home, I’d support his decision one hundred percent. 

But at the same time, I honestly don't know what it will do to me being apart for so long. And I hate that part of me who doesn't want him to leave me. He isn’t mine to keep. Yes, he’s my best friend and roommate, but that doesnt give me the right to need him this much. 

So that’s why I’ve been doing what I can, even though it means taking Katara’s side for once, to convince him to go home for the summer. Maybe the time apart will be good for me. It’s not fair for him to have to deal with me all the time. I don’t want to be the one holding him back from anything in life.

“So, what are you gonna to do this summer, Zuko?” 

The question startles me out of my thoughts. That happens way too often. 

I look up to see my friends looking at me expectantly, “Oh, umm… I’ll just be working at the tea shop. Since my promotion, Uncle’s given me a lot more responsibility, so I imagine I’ll be pretty busy.”

“C’mon dude!” Sokka bursts. “It’s our last summer as college students, you have to plan something more exciting to do other than work, I demand it,” he says teasingly. 

“You demand it, huh?” I ask him playfully, having to shut down the intrusive thought that I’d do anything if he demanded it.  _ Anything _ . “What do you suggest I do then?” 

“Yes, Sokka? What fun summer plans do you have to suggest for Zuko? I’m just dying to know what you come up with.” Katara stares pointedly at her brother. The way they communicate without words is something I’ve given up trying to understand. Only possible through the bond of siblings, I suppose. Then again, Azula and I never came close to the connection Katara and Sokka share. 

Sokka stares right back at her, shakes his head quickly, then turns to me. His eyes look a little less amused and a little more unsure, “I don’t know. Are you sure you can’t take off a little time from work? I know you were forced to travel a lot as a kid, but going somewhere new could be fun.”

Going somewhere new? I have no idea what he means by that, so I just respond with a slight shoulder shrug. I can tell he’s not pleased with that as an answer though, by the way his eyebrows scrunch together slightly. The way he takes his hands off the table and pulls them close to himself instead. 

I can't help but feel like I’ve disappointed him in some way. Like me planning to stay here for the summer wasn't what he wanted to hear. Maybe he was hoping to have the apartment to himself for a bit? Spending time with him is one of my favorite things to do, but maybe he doesn't feel the same way? Of course he doesn't feel the same way. 

The conversation quickly moves along, Aang starts telling us about the countries he’ll be visiting on his study abroad. I don’t really hear any of it though, because Sokka’s still looking at me. I lift my eyebrows expectantly. He smirks at me, and I allow myself to release the breath I was holding. Whatever was bothering him looks to be forgotten about as he glances down at the plate in front of me, most of the food still sitting there uneaten. I’ve had a lot on my mind tonight, and food has unfortunately been the farthest of my concerns. I can almost hear Sokka’s words in my head, teatering on the line between caring and teasing,  _ ‘You’re worse than a toddler, Zukes! Please at least eat the fries, you know they’re no good as leftovers!’  _ I roll my eyes before picking up a fry off my plate and flicking it in his direction.

Sokka’s exaggerated yelp isn't what catches me off guard, and neither does the light slap on the wrist from Katara. 

It’s his smile that comes a moment later, coupled with the sound of his unrestrained giggling.The smile that lights up his face is what makes me lose my breath yet again.  _ Pull yourself together, Zuko _ . 

“You guys,  _ please  _ don’t get us kicked out again,” hissed Katara, which only makes Sokka laugh harder. This also cements that I would, in fact, get us kicked out again if it meant it would make Sokka laugh like he is now. 

I somehow manage to make it through the rest of dinner. We spend close to an hour saying our goodbyes in the parking lot, a whole summer is a long time to be apart. After many group hugs and a few tears, we eventually part ways. Toph and Suki head off down the block to their shared apartment. Aang and Katara get into one car and drive off in the direction of Aang’s apartment. Sokka and I head towards his truck. 

Except, when Sokka slides into the driver's seat, he doesn't drive off right away. I look over at him after a moment, only to find him already staring back at me. 

“You okay?” Is all I manage to say, eyes locked on his and definitely not the bottom lip that he’s currently biting on. 

I see him hesitate. Which is strange. It’s unsettling, because Sokka never hesitates. He’s always so sure of everything he says and does. It’s one of the things I used to envy about him, I was jealous of how easily he could make a decision. Now though, I find it attractive.  _ No _ , admirable.  _ Bad Zuko _ .

Sokka takes a deep breath, holds it for a few seconds, then releases it with a sigh as he turns to face the windshield in front of us, “I don’t want to go home just yet.” 

Something is definitely up with him. His body language is all but screaming whatever it is he needs to tell me. I know there’s something, “Okay. Where do you want to go?” I try not to sound as anxious as I feel.  _ Just say it _ , I want to plead, but I know pushing him won’t help. I have a feeling it has something to do with his summer plans. He’s going to tell me that him and Katara are going back to Alaska. Which is great, really, I know it’s for the best. 

“The lake… our spot.” He murmurs instantly. It doesn't come as much of a surprise. If there’s any place I’d prefer to be let down by him, it's there. “We don't have to though, I know it's been a long day.” 

It has been a long day. And it’s late, and the drive would take half an hour from here. But none of that matters. 

“Let’s go.”

He looks back over at me with one of his sweet smiles. The worry in me disappears, it gives me the feeling that everything will be alright. I trust him. I try my best to give him a reassuring smile in return. I need to convince both him and myself that the time we may spend apart this summer won't matter. Not if it will make him happy. 

We’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. 

The drive is peaceful and quiet. Sokka puts on one of the playlists I’ve made for him, he says my music captures what it's like to watch the sun rise. I choose not to read into that statement too much. Especially since all the songs I put in those playlists just make me think of him.

We discovered our spot one day by accident. Sokka was driving us home from some obscure restaurant he wanted to try in the town over when he got distracted, talking about how disgraceful their hot sauce selection was no less, and took a wrong turn down a one way road to nowhere. Or so we thought. 

The road turned out to be an abandoned private-access route that led right up to a huge lake. From where the road ended and the tiny beach began, we could see everything. On the other side of the lake, there was a row of lake houses, all with different variations of string lights decorating the porches. The reflections of the lights off the water made the lake twinkle at night as the waves settled themselves against the shore. To the right, there were huge cliffs, and when it was warm enough we watched groups of kids from the high school nearby jump off into the water below. To the left, exactly where the sun set each night, the lake went on for miles and eventually ended with a tiny row of trees on the horizon. 

It's my favorite place. Our place. 

Sokka and I have spent countless hours there, it’s our go-to spot when we're both stuck at home with nothing to do. We spend the day swimming and basking out on the beach. And when it's too cold, we spread some blankets out in the bed of his truck and eat greasy fast food. It is also our go-to spot when one of us is feeling particularly sad, or stressed, or overwhelmed. I admit that being at the lake is extremely relaxing, it's my safe space where I know I can be honest, with both myself and Sokka, without the fear of anyone else overhearing or judging me. 

It's where Sokka first told me about his own fears; of failure and losing the people he loved. I always thought it was confidence that allowed him to make decisions so fast and sure. But now I know how terrified he is of messing up, or missing an opportunity. Most of all, he doesn’t want to let his family down. ‘ _ Bullshit’ _ , I said when he first told me. ‘ _ You’re in the top engineering program in the state, you have a perfect GPA. Everyone knows how hard you’ve worked to be where you’re at, and I couldn’t name one person who isn’t proud of how far you’ve come. You couldn’t disappoint anyone even if you tried.’  _ I’ve made sure to remind him of that many times since then. 

I don’t really know what it is about it, but my thoughts and words always come so easy when I’m at our spot. Maybe it's the wide open space. Maybe it's that there’s no one around for miles. No one, except for Sokka.

When the truck comes to a stop a few feet away from the lake’s edge, Sokka turns the car off and we both jump out after retrieving the thick blankets stored under the seats. The truck is parked so that the back is facing the lake, that way we can spread out in the bed and have a perfect view of the water. 

Sokka jumps in first and I try not to feel overwhelmed at the fact that where he sits will give me no choice but to wedge myself up against him. This is nothing new, on cold nights especially, he’s the one who always insists that we cuddle up close to stay warm. It looks like tonight is no exception. 

I take my seat, leaning my back against the cab of the truck and pressing almost the entire left side of my body against Sokka, for warmth of course. Sokka takes his time arranging the blankets on top of and around us. I’ve got to say, he’s sort of an expert at this task, always cocooning us so that even on the coldest nights we somehow keep warm. 

Once we’re both settled in, the subtle signs of Sokka’s anxiety, about whatever it is he’s been needing to say, present themselves at full force. He’s biting his lip again, bouncing his leg against mine, has his arms crossed tightly around his middle. I hate seeing him like this, especially because I know I’m probably the reason he’s stressing. He doesn’t want to hurt me, doesn’t want to let me down.

“Sokka?” I ask hesitantly. “Please talk to me.” I surprise myself with how calm I sound. I know whatever he may say could mean I wont see him for months. I know how hard that will be, but his happiness is all that matters. 

He lets out a deep sigh, “How did your final go today?” 

Avoidance, eh? I know this route all too well. “It was fine, I thought I told you that already,” I say with a light chuckle. 

“Right,” he settles, squeezing his eyes closed. “I’m sorry, I just don’t know how- there’s something else, I just…” 

“Hey,” I stop him, and become increasingly unsure about what could be causing him this much stress. I want to do everything I can to put him out of his misery, to reassure him that I’ll be fine without him this summer. Anything to make him happy. I take his hand, to ground him and myself, “Take your time. Whatever it is, I’m sure everything will be okay.”

His eyes fall on our joined hands. “Yeah,” he sighs, nodding to himself. I feel his hand relax into mine and after a few moments his entire body, which has been practically vibrating with nerves for the past hour, relaxes as well. “It’s about this summer. About Katara and I’s trip to Alaska.” He looks at me, a hint of guilt in his eyes. 

“You should go,” I say. No hesitation, no sign of the turmoil those words inflict upon every cell of my being.  _ Don't let him go, don’t let him leave you alone. _ No, this isn’t about me. This isn’t about me.  _ This isn’t about me. _

I wait for Sokka’s reassurance. For his relief. For him to agree with me. I've prepared myself for this moment, but it doesn’t come. 

Instead, Sokka’s feeble expression drops even more. “I don’t know if I even want to go. I mean… three months is a really long time.” I’ve never seen him more unsure. 

He’s choosing his words almost as carefully as I am. Trying to let me down easy. I don’t know what else I should have expected. Besides, ‘ _ Zuko, of course I’m going home to fucking Alaska where all my family is that I haven’t seen in ages, and all my old friends are that are way cooler than you. Did you really think I’d stay behind just because you’d miss me?’  _ Over the years, it’s become easier to ignore the part of my brain that supplies the worst possible outcome to every scenario. I know Sokka is incapable of being cruel to me. But I can’t help it.

“Three months is nothing,” I say as I gently take my hand from his and pretend to itch at a scratch behind my ear. It’s all becoming too much; his warm hand, his legs steady against my own, the moon casting a soft glow around his features. My resolve is quickly fading. “You haven’t seen your family in so long, I know how much you miss them. I’ll- everything will be fine.” 

“But I can't-,” slightly choking on his words. His eyes follow the hand that was once encased in his own as I move it down into my lap. His now empty hand twitching by his side. “Fuck,” he huffs with a nervous laugh. 

“Sokka, can you just-“

“I don’t want to leave you,” he whispers urgently, cutting off my words. 

I stare at him. I can’t let him do this, “You can’t blow off your whole summer for me. I’ll be okay. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.” 

My words cause a shift in him. In his eyes, doubt is replaced by complete vulnerablilty and resolution. They speak so clearly into my own and I know exactly what he’s going to say before he even opens his mouth. “I can’t help it,” he says with a hint of his signature smirk, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Zuko, it’s  _ me _ who won’t be okay. I don’t know what I’d do without talking to you- without having you with me for all that time. I don’t want to lose this,” he say gesturing wildly between the the two of us, to the lake, to the vast sky above us. Suddenly, he shifts around to face me straight on, “You have no idea how much I need you, I can’t just leave. I won’t.” 

His words pin me down. I can’t move, or breathe, or think. His pure, unfiltered honestly sucks me in and drains every ounce of bullshit I’ve been feeding myself.  _ Did he just…  _

Sokka falters at my silence. “Sorry, was that-,” I cut him off with a hug, practically flinging myself on top of him. My arms weave familiarly around his waist as I bury my head into the collar of his hoodie. 

I sigh into him, relaxing completely. I feel his arms wrap around me, feeling more safe than I’ve been in my entire life. A piece of me falls into place in his arms. “I don’t ever want to be apart from you either.  _ Please _ ,” I say softly into his neck, emotions taking over as tears trace lines down my cheeks. 

“Oh, Zuko,” Sokka hums into my hair. I feel him smile into the side of my head, giggling slightly. It’s pure bliss; hearing him say my name like that, his laugh,  _ him _ . I sit up a little, needing to see his face. Needing more. 

His hands come up to frame my face, thumbs moving my across my cheeks and swiping away leftover tears. It feels like gravity, leaning down and kissing him. Taking his bottom lip between mine, sucking slightly until he lets out a little groan. Our lips move together like a well practiced dance. 

One of his hands slides through my hair before gently grabbing a hold at the base of my neck. An involuntary whine escapes me as I fist the fabric above his chest, his arms, his waist; anywhere I can reach. 

We break apart, slightly out of breath, and rest our foreheads together. 

“Now you’re never getting rid of me,” he teases. 

I let out a laugh, giddy with relief and excitement. However, something about those words leaves me feeling slightly guilty, “But, what about Alaska? Your family? I meant what I said earlier, I don’t want you to miss out on seeing them because of me.” 

He’s silent for a moment, then looks up at me bashfully, “You could come with us?” 

“Well, it’s hard to say no to that face. But, Uncle…” I can’t leave him to run the tea shop himself with such short notice, maybe if-

“He knows,” Sokka says casually. “I  _ may _ have accidentally let him know of my little-  _ okay _ ,  _ big _ crush on you. He practically planned your leave himself after that.” 

I feel my cheeks flush, “Uncle… knows. About us?”

“Uhh, he knows about  _ me _ . I mean, he did seem pretty confident I’d get you to come along, so maybe-,”

“Ugh, he  _ does _ know! He’s probably known this whole time that psychic son of a b-,”

“Hold up,  _ this whole tim _ e? How long has it been, exactly?” Sokka tilts his head with a playful smirk.

I avoid his gaze, there’s no going back now. “Umm, three years?” I mumble quickly. 

“Oh my god, get over here,” he groans exasperatedly, turning my head back towards him. 

He kisses me deeply, making my world fuzzy in seconds before separating our lips and traveling down my neck, sucking gently on skin, nibbling occasionally. 

My heart swells, it feels like I’m floating through air. I run my hands through his hair,  _ so soft _ , which only seems to fuel his fire. “Sokka, what-,” I’m cutoff by him pressing another searing kiss to my lips.

“ _ Three years _ . We have three years to make up for,” he whispers into my skin.

I wouldn't trade a single moment of the time I’ve spent with Sokka. As my enthusiastic roommate, my first real friend, my strongest support system.

He’s the one I can’t live without. 

Once we find it in us to break apart, I rest my head on his chest. We look towards the stars and the moon, their reflections on the lake below. With the sounds of Sokka’s steady heart beating under me, I feel peace. It feels like home. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, comments are greatly appreciated :) <3
> 
> Title is from Same Effect by BENEE


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